Goodhue Wilson is a friend of mine. He’s been a great father to his children, helped his parents, has a good marriage, and takes civic responsibility seriously. He could be a role model. Maybe, now I’ve put it that way, I’m shortchanging him. Considering how many hours we spend talking about matters public and private, I should say he’s a good friend.
I guess that’s why, in a recent conversation, I was surprised to learn that he believes in the Tooth Fairy. He didn’t call it that, of course. Every child learns, about the time they also figure out there is no Easter Bunny or Santa Claus, that the money under the pillow is placed there by their elders, and that speaking of the Tooth Fairy means one is in on the joke. But when Goodhue told me that we don’t need to raise taxes on the rich and he thought the middle-class wisdom of Republican ideas on tax policy were better than Warren Buffet's, out of respect for our friendship I could only bring myself to agree to disagree. I mumbled something about meeting in the middle like any good centrist would.
Goodhue said the government’s revenue problems could be solved by what he called “good capitalists.” All it takes is for millionaires and billionaires such as Warren Buffet to voluntarily open their wallets and write a check to the U.S. Treasury. No need to tax them. That’s when I realized that the Tooth Fairy has a good future in the United States. My financial advice to the Tooth Fairy: she should she capitalize her prospects by selling shares in her brand, the way some popular artists have. Wall Street needs a good bond deal to rehabilitate its reputation after the mortgage securities mess: Tooth Fairy bonds could really help their image.
Think of it: you lose a tooth, and the Tooth Fairy leaves a dime or a dollar under your pillow. Lose your job, and a good capitalist sends a check to the U.S. government so that you have health insurance, or food, or maybe even a new job. With enough good capitalists we wouldn’t need any taxes at all. We could certainly get rid of the earned income tax credit. Good capitalists would realize their social obligation to repay society for the social order that gives them a peaceful citizenry, education systems that train up their human capital, a huge public works infrastructure, and the political and military might to make the United States a force for good: they would just write out a check to someone less fortunate, or to fund a bridge to nowhere because someone needs work.
I wish I saw in the current crop of Republican presidential hopefuls some sign that one of them was a good capitalist, or even had Goodhue’s sweet naiveté and really believed in the Tooth Fairy. What I see, instead, is a pack of people acting as though they were in a dog-eat-dog world under some form of crude Darwinism in which they profess not to believe but demonstrate with each day’s campaign rhetoric. Actually, that’s insulting to dogs, who are some of our best friends in the animal kingdom. A pack of hyenas or jackals would be a better metaphor.
One reason I am so ruefully tolerant of Goodhue’s fantasy is that I, too, sometimes wish there was a Tooth Fairy. Unfortunately, we’ve got the Tea Party along with the Easter Bunny and other residents of a fantasy land. But betting against Tea Party futures is a risky business. Although David Bowie had some intellectual property to securitize, making David Pullman a rich banker, I’m not sure an offering based on the Tea Party’s intellectual capital would be a wise investment. But when I think fondly about my friend Goodhue, maybe, I wish, a Good Democrat will come along and put enough votes under pillows across America so that we don’t have to rely on good capitalists or drink tea.
